


Millennium Kids

by Anonymous



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Bulimia, Canon Compliant, Eating Disorders, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, basically just a rant in fic form
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2020-05-18 11:47:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19333915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Minho held him together through the cracks of his shattered heart.





	1. Side Effects

**Author's Note:**

> Hi hello ^^. This is my first fic ever and also my first serious attempt at writing, so please don't expect too much! English isn't my first language, so there will for sure be grammar mistakes. I really am trying so please bear with me xD. 
> 
> This whole thing is basically a mess, just like me lol
> 
> BIG DISCLAIMER: I started writing this fic purely to get some stuff off my chest. Minsung is one of my favourite ships ever, so I only thought it would be logical to write about them. This fic does contain a lot of heavy thoughts and it is very angsty, please read the tags carefully and please please please don't read if you think that any of the stuff mentioned will trigger you! 
> 
> This may be a canon compliant fic, but that does in no way/shape/form mean that this is how any of the members think/act/speak. I completely made this up, but that doesn't mean that I own any of the members/characters whatsoever. 
> 
> I have no clue how many chapters this fic will have, but we will found out along the way! 
> 
> That said, enjoy reading ^^

머리 아프다 described him really well. His head did hurt. No, it did more than just hurt. His head was slowly suffocating him, capturing him in it’s stifling thoughts.

Jisung was fine. He liked to tell himself that he was fine. He was healthy, he was breathing, he had a family, no, more than one family, a blooming career and he was surrounded by stays. Everything that he could ever wish for was in his possession, yet sometimes he couldn’t help but get lost in his suffocating pessimism, no matter how hard he tried not to.

Sometimes living felt too overwhelming. As if he was the world’s puppet, not in control of the happening. Like the perfectly fine air wasn’t breathable. Living was fun, Jisung really did enjoy it, he enjoyed the bright side of it, the praising, the passion, the excititing, the _loving. _It was easy to chase the things he loved, he lived for his passion and he loved being able to experience all of it to his fullest. But sometimes, sometimes all of it was hard. Sometimes it was hard to keep going, and to keep loving.__

____

__

So here he was set, sitting in the windowsill of his and Jeongin’s shared dorm. His mind was as cloudy and obscure as the outside sky. His heart was craving a taste of liquor, craving for the satisfaction and the loss of control that it would give him. The high that followed, like the down never even used to exist. Jisung sighed, thinking about how he wholeheartedly promised Chan that he would cut off his old habits.

Letting go of things that used to make you feel like you were in heaven was hard. It took him long to quit smoking. And even longer to quit drinking. Two unhealthy forms of escape that he got way too familiar with at too young of an age. Growing up he always thought that one day he would be able to find escape in another form, through music, through love. And growing up at the company, surrounded by all those insanely talented and creative artists and producers, he also discovered that he could indead escape the endless darkness through music. And through love.

Music made him feel alive again. It made him bloom, warmed the deepest and darkest insides of his body with easing warmth. Music made him feel like he was able to escape the dark grip that this world had on him after all. And love. Love was the thing that scared him endlessly, but also calmed him like nothing else. It was easy to love, but hard to allow to be loved. Something he learned at the tender age of sixteen, when he experienced what is was like to be loved deeply, wholeheartedly. Love came in the form of shy smiles, a brush of hands, in the form of _Lee Minho. ___

____

____

Jisung had soon enough learned that all his members often were lost. That all his members sometimes felt like the world was trying to suffocate them. They had learned that the world was cruel and that humans could be even more cruel. That sometimes it felt like nothing would ever be alright again. They were just teenagers after all. Trying to figure out a way to cope with the heavy, almost unbearable burden of living. But they were lucky and they had each other to keep going, to give each other strength. And Jisung, Jisung had _his _Minho to keep going.__

____

____

Minho liked to check up on him when he got in a black and white state like this. He knew like no other that Jisung sometimes needed a little bit of help slipping back into the world of colour. Minho always knew when Jisung needed some optimism to drown out the suffocation of his own brain. That’s why it was no surprise to Jisung when he heard slow, mindful footsteps making it’s way near him. Followed by two softs hands in his hair and slow, steady breaths in his neck.

‘I thought you were practicing with Felix and Hyunjin.’ He softly mumbled, before turning his gaze over towards Minho. _His _Minho, who looked absolutely breathtaking, illuminated by the glow of the moon.__

____

____

Minho hummed something, so soft that neither of them exactly knew what was said. But they both understood.

Jisung closed his eyes and let himself fall back into Minho’s arms, let himself enjoy the warmth.  
’Thank you for coming’ He said.

He swore that he could almost hear Minho smile against the back of his head. ’You know that I will always come back to you Sung. It’s almost like my hearts knows when you need me the most.’ 

‘It’s called having a connection dumbass.’ Jisung mumbled before opening his eyes and staring at the two, big brown eyes in front of him. Minho looked tired, but so at peace. He was sure that he could feel it too, the way in which their bodies seemed to melt together. As if they were powering their energy up together, to drown out the negativity that slowly crawled up their spines.

He would be okay. _They_ would be okay, as long as they had each other.


	2. Just hold me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't you know I'm no good for you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BIG DISCLAIMER: This chapter is very very very personal. I wrote this when I was struggling a lot. It contains a lot of dark. heavy thoughts and some graphic, explicit behaviour. Please read the tags very well and please don't read this if you know that you will get triggered by it! I use this fic as a way to get some things off my chest, that's why all of this is so, well, dark :'))

Some days were worse than other days. Some days Jisung really tried hard to breathe, but no matter how much air made its way into his system, it still felt as if the weight of the world was crushing him. He _knew_ that it was normal to dislike yourself sometimes. And he also knew that it was not normal for him to hate himself most of the time. But truth to be told, self hate was all that he knew, the only thing that stuck with him whilst growing up.

Sometimes it just felt like all that is left of him is endless void. As if every living cell of his body is replaced by emptiness. Sometimes Jisung gave in and let himself get swallowed by it. Sometimes he would rather feel numb than feel anything at all. Because after all, being numb couldn’t get your heart broken, regardless of the fact that it already was.

It was during times like this where he just really didn’t want to live. Times where he was just sitting in his bed, lights out, room filled with all those negative emotions he just wanted to throw out. Jisung was staring at the wall in front of him, motionless, head filled with embroiled, cloudy thoughts.

His whole body was itching for him to get up, fill the void inside his chest with whatever edible he could find in his room, only to get rid of it later. And boy, he knew that it was wrong. He knew that thoughts like this weren’t normal, weren’t healthy. He knew that he made his body suffer a lot, that he was exhausting his only body for no valid reason. But it made him feel good. And he needed to feel good.

Sometimes Jisung was quite scared of himself. Scared of the self-hatred that could unconsciously take over every single part of his body, to the point where it all just felt useless. To the point where he just felt useless. It was during those times where Jisung felt extra lost. He knew that he couldn’t let the darkness swallow him, but sometimes he just wanted to get lost in it. Give himself over to the void, embrace all the dark, terrifying parts of him.

He was glad that Minho was always there when he was close to surrendering. Close to giving in to the darkest, loudest voices in his head, telling him that he was not worth it, that he was not good enough. That he would never be good enough. 

And as much as he loved having Minho close during those periods of time, as much as he loved holding his lover his warm, soft hands, as much as he loved the way in which Minho could hug all of his broken pieces together, sometimes he just wanted to be alone. Because sometimes Minho’s words weren’t enough, sometimes the affection that he received couldn’t refill all of his emptiness.  
Sometimes all he could do to fill up the void, was to fight it with his unstoppable destructive behaviour. Sometimes Jisung _craved_ the pain, craved all of the ways in which he could slowly make himself feel alive again. Sometimes, he even deserved it.

And today was one of those days on which Jisung decided that he needed it. He needed his own little ways of escape. So he sat on his bed. A random playlist of soft ballads playing in the background. It was raining today, and he enjoyed the way in which the little drops fell apart against his window. The cloudy sky matched the cloudiness of his broken heart. It felt like he was crying with the sky together.

Last night, right after practice, he had gone out to a random bar. Had ordered four shots of vodka and had gulped them down like it was just pure water. He liked the burn. Liked the way in which it drowned out his thoughts. After that he had called a cab to drive him home, where he had passed out on his bed. And here he was, a few hours later. _Alone. Ashamed._ He didn’t like how he had broke his promises, but he couldn’t help it.

And maybe deep down he knew that destroying himself even more was not worth it. Maybe deep down he knew that Minho was just a few doors away. Maybe deep down he knew that he could easily heal himself the good way, instead of the way in which he was trying to do it now. But he was tired, he was so so so tired of life. So tired of living. So tired of being the person he was, _the person he had become._

He felt insanely lucky that he had never struggled with his weight growing up. He had always been average. He had never been on any diets, had never skipped any meals. Until he grew up and started to realize that he did not like the way he looked at all. Until he realized that suddenly his own, perfectly healthy body, disgusted him. So much to the point where he would lose control.

So yeah, here he was. Stuffing his innocent body with food. Way too much food. Unnecessary food. But it wasn’t about eating whilst not being hungry, was it? It was about the self control that came with it. The way in which he could make himself feel full again, feel alive again. And Jisung, Jisung knew so well that he would hate himself even more after it. Knew that he would regret it the minute he was done. Knew that he would feel worse right after he would crash down from his adrenaline kick. But right here, right in this moment, he would allow himself to feel at least a little bit happy again.

He would welcome the feeling of food sliding down his throat, until he physically couldn’t stomach it anymore. And then he would let out a sad laugh, before making his was to their bathroom. Another sad smile would appear in the mirror. If he didn’t hate himself enough already, then he would really hate himself now, face bloated, eyes as dark as the night, sadness spilling everywhere. And he would hate himself even more, right when he would let himself fall apart on the cold tiles. Right before the toilet bowl became his best friend. Self destruction felt so wrong, _yet so right._

If the irregular beating of his heart tried to tell him otherwise, he would refuse to believe it.

Later that night, Minho would come over again, like he always did. Looking at him so fondly, so lovingly, that Jisung almost felt guilty about the things that he would do to himself. And maybe his heart did crack a little bit more every time Minho’s sad eyes stared into his soul, right when his lips found the red marks on his knuckles. But he tried hard not to let the guilt get to him. After all, he was used to it.

Because it was all that he knew. Jisung knew how to hate himself. And how to love Minho. And it should not supposed to be enough, but it felt like enough. And Jisung would be okay, he really would be. As long as he had Minho.

‘I love you.’ He whispered, as he pulled Minho closer. He could feel their hearts beat together as one, an endearing reminder that he had a heart, after all.

And it belonged to none other than the angelic boy beside him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that all of you are doing well! Please remember that you are worth it, that you are good enough and that you are beautiful. No matter what the dark voices in your head may tell you! Things will be okay again, I promise <3


	3. 4 o'clock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fake happiness is still the worst sadness. Jisung knows it all too well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please read the tags very carefully before reading.
> 
> I didn't read through any of this, my excuse if there's a lot of incoherent sentences/spelling mistakes. Just wanted to get stuff off my chest I guess :')

‘’Hyung, what do you think will be left of us once we fall apart?’’ He had asked Minho the minute they sat down at the end of the hill. Legs crossed, hands clasped together.

He glanced over and notices that his significant other was, just like him, gazing at the endless darkness in front of them. It was late at night, the summer heat had just started to fade into a comfortable warmth, a slight breeze surrounding them.

‘’You mean Stray Kids? I think that we will always find our way back to each other. Might not be through music, but it sure as hell will be through friendship.’’

Jisung smiled. ‘’You really do think so?’’

He could feel Minho’s burning gaze right at him. Could easily imagine the expression that would currently be painted on the elder boy his face. ‘’Why do you ask?’’

‘’I-i..’’ he started. ‘’I just, mmm, I guess I just really would like to know if all of it is worth it. If all the sacrifices will pay off, not just in music right now, but also in comfort later. Comfort as in, happy memories to look back on, but also happy memories to look forward to. I guess I would never be able to forgive myself if I lost all of you after our collective journey has ended.’’ The unspoken _I don’t want to be alone hyung_ left a sour aftertaste in his mouth.

He could feel Minho pulling him closer, slowly setting him in between his legs, hugging his middle tight. Together they breathed as one. ‘’Oh Jisung, you won’t ever be lonely, I promise you.’’ One kiss against his temple. ‘’There will be so much left of you. There is so much more to you than just Han. We can’t be certain about our future being in Stray Kids, but you will for sure be able to paint yourself a bright and worthy future nevertheless,’’ another kiss on the back of his head. ‘’And I promise you, that I will remain by your side, no matter what happens. We will forever be tied together by the universe, I promise.’’  
\--

Jisung found himself reflecting on that specific conversation a lot. The way in which they imagined their unsure future whilst looking at all the sparkling stars in front of them. He had felt so small that day. So scared. So alone.

Sometimes Jisung just really wondered what was left of him. Wondered how it was possible that the demons inside in had not fully overpowered him yet. Wondered how he managed to be an artist, with self hate brewing inside the deepest of his bones and the darkness of his mind sometimes completely taking control. 

He often wondered if any of the fans could notice his silent battle at all. Wondered if his smile was convincing enough to cover up all the lies, to outshine all the hurt, the frustration, the dark. Sometimes he felt so guilty, for being so insanely two faced. For hiding such a big part him, for pretending like it just did not exist. Sometimes it would all become a little too much. Inevitable anxiety caused by the uneasy guilt burning away in his hollow chest. Sometimes he would cry and scream his lungs out, until Minho was there to hold his hand and to slowly bring him back to life again.

It was not fair. He was a liar. A big, fat, giant liar to absolutely everyone around him, including himself. He did not deserve this life. Did not deserve all the stays screaming his name, did not deserve all the attention. Did not deserve all the fame, all the gifts, all the money. Sometimes he just really wondered if he truly deserved anything at all.

\--

Jisung just wanted to go home. Back to the dorms, to his safe room where he could drown in self pity. But here he was, stuck at this stupid interview. As if comeback stages weren’t exhausting enough on their own.

Suddenly he felt way too many burning eyes aimed at him and Chan’s elbow poking in his right side. He must have zoned out during one of the questions.

‘’Sorry, what was the question?’’ He said, whilst throwing the interviewer one of his apologetic smiles. She didn’t look too happy about him not paying attention, but offered him a comforting smile anyways, which he happily accepted.

‘’It’s alright, I asked you where you are seeing yourself in ten years.’’ 

Suddenly he understood the worrying glance that Minho had been giving him. He also just now noticed Chan’s hand rubbing comforting circles on his lower back. He slowly swallowed once, twice, rubbed his sweaty hands on his denim jeans. He absolutely dreaded questions like this. 

Breathe in, breathe out. Put on your biggest, best fake smile. He took a deep breathe, before turning his gaze towards the massive camera that was currently pointed at his face. 

‘’Mm in ten years, let me see… I will be 28. First off, of course I hope that we will still be performing together as a group. If not, then I hope that I will live a comfortable live, surrounded by cats, hopefully together with my significant other,’’ He sent a shy, subtle smile Minho’s way. ‘’I also hope that I will still be able to write and compose music. I guess I really do live for music after all.’’ 

‘’Thank you Han, of course we all hope that all of you will still be on stage together…’’ 

The rest of the interview went by in a blur. He could barely remember getting in the van, let alone remembering falling asleep. Yet when he woke up, he was in his room, in his bed, a sleepy Minho laying right next to him.

‘’Hyung?’’ He sleepily asked. He felt two arms carefully wrap around his torso, a face burying itself in his neck.

‘’Go to sleep Sung, it’s been a long day. We can talk tomorrow.’’

So he did.

\--  
But he did not talk. If anything, he became more quiet than he had ever been. He noticed the worried glances his members would often send him. He noticed Minho’s desperate attempts to get him to say something, to eat something. He noticed the way in which Chan’s eyes lingered on him a little longer, right before they had to go on stage. He noticed, he noticed all of the signs that showed him that his members did care. The problem just was that he did not.

Why would he even care about his future, when he knew all too well that he did not want one, did not deserve one. It was as if the interview had opened his eyes, had showed him that people actually believed that he would still be here in ten years. He scoffed. Fools. 

Only the thought of having to endure ten more of those unbearable, suffocating years on this planet was enough to make him shiver. He really did not want to be alive.

So instead he shut himself off. Rebuild the indestructible wall that he had slowly lowered over these past years. He locked himself safely in between his own thoughts, secured into his own world. 

He would stay awake until sunrise, calm his overthinking mind by watching the sky paint itself in streaks of pink, orange, golden. After that he would try to rest a bit, three hours at most. Some nights a little bit more, some nights a little bit less. He would skip breakfast (and most of his other meals as well, everything to escape the piercing glances of his members), gave everything he had during practice, only to run straight back to his bed as soon as he got home. 

His life was a routine again. And routine was safe. He was safe. Safe and alone, like he was used to and how he always would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder that you are beautiful and worth it! Hang in there! Things will get better, the sky will clear up. We will be okay again c:


	4. The Truth Untold

Another day, yet another stupid interview

‘’Your recent comeback Side Effects makes a lot of references towards mental health and mental health related issues. Is the song based on your own personal experiences, or is it written for your fans, as something they can relate to?’’

‘’For our fans, as a reminder that at times, we all go through something. A reminder that we all get lost in darkness at times. As a motivation, something they can hold on to.’’ Chan spoke softly, and Jisung swore that he could feel his eyes linger on him just a tiny bit too long.

The interviewer, a tiny woman with bright, blue coloured hair, smiled shyly. She had a warm, bright smile. One that Jisung was very jealous of. ‘’That’s wonderful, I am sure that I can speak for, not only myself, but a lot of people when I say that I admire you guys a lot. You are barely adults, have not been in this industry for too long, yet here you are, speaking up about important issues that other people might not open up about. That takes a lot of courage and the fact that you go against society and talk about topics that are known to be a big taboo, especially here in Korea, is amazing and really empowering. Well done guys.’’ 

Jisung smiled softly. The interviewer was really nice and understanding, and really took her time with them, giving them all an equal amount of questions. 

Felix let out a little cough before he started speaking. ‘’Thank you, it really means a lot to us to hear those kinds of words. In the future we will continue to raise awareness for these kind of topics, and we will also make sure to work even harder, so that stay have a reason to be proud of us.’’ 

‘’I think that wraps it up for today. Thank you so much for your time. Big applause for Stray Kids!’’

Once again, Jisung could not remember how he had gotten home. It seemed to happen a lot more recently. As if his mind just went blank, like nothing was even there. No stimuli, no sensation, no perception. He just blinked his eyes and suddenly they were at the dorm.

The weather had been a lot colder recently, getting close to almost zero degrees at night. At some points, he enjoyed it. Enjoyed the way in which the cold wrapped around his exposed skin, enjoyed the way in which it made him shiver. Sometimes it was almost unbearable, but the dull ache made him feel alive. It could not be healthy that his fingers looked almost transparent, coloured in gray and blueish spots. But to be honest, he could not care less. It wasn’t as if he was healthy anyways.

So he enjoyed getting out of the car, welcomed the way the cold air felt against his skin. Minho immediately stood next to him, linking their arms together.

‘’Are you okay Sung?’’ He asked, big, concerned eyes staring right at him, almost looking through him, trying to unravel all his unspoked thoughts. 

He only shrugged in response. Wat was it like to be okay? Was it being able to stand, sit, walk, sing and dance without fainting? Because yeah, then he was perfectly fine. More than okay.

He was glad that Minho understood him so well. Minho knew that he did not like talking much, especially not about himself. Instead he felt his lover wrap his arms around his torso, guiding him towards the entrance of their dorms. 

‘’Next time you need to bring your scarf with you Sungie, you are gonna freeze like this,’’ He chuckled. ‘’you are lucky that you have your personal heater to keep your warm.’’ 

Jisung smiled. ‘’You are right.’’ He said, pulling Minho a little bit closer. He did not deserve him, but he sure as hell was lucky to have him.

They quickly took of their trainers and coats once they were inside. Jisung could not wait to take a long, hot shower. Getting out of the uncomfortable clothes their stylists had put him in, and letting the hot water wash away all his worries of the day. 

Minho was next to him again, pulling him in the direction of the bathrooms. He was pretty sure that all the other members were passed out somewhere on the couch already. ‘’Want to shower together?’’ He asked, and Jisung could see in his eyes that he really only meant taking a shower. He was glad.  
He nodded softly. They had been together for so long, yet sometimes he still got uncomfortable at the thought of undressing together. They had seen each other their naked body countless time, yet moments like this felt way more intimate. He knew that Minho loved his body, every single inch of it, and sometimes, that thought gave him a little bit of hope, that maybe one day he could love his body too.

‘’You coming?’’ 

He nodded, before following him into the tiny shower cabin. Allowing Minho to wrap his arms around him from behind, resting his chin in the dip on his right shoulder. The warmth from both the water and Minho felt amazing on his tired body.

‘’You are getting so thin Sungie, I am worried.’’ 

He swallowed. Tried his hardest to restrain himself from spitting out the words that were lingering on his tongue. _I am not, I am fat, why do you lie about all the fat sitting on my body. Stop lying._

‘’Don’t worry Minho, I am fine. I think the stress Is just getting to me and messing with my metabolism.’’ Another little white lie.

If the silence that followed confirmed Minho’s disappointment, he tried his hardest to ignore it.

They stayed like that for the next few minutes. Just enjoying the warm water and each others company. Minho had washed his hair softly, massaging his scalp in the process, before he went to erase some of the muscle aches in his neck and shoulders. Jisung felt so thankful for him, to the point where his heart started to ache.

Minho slowly turned him around after he was finished, before looking him in the eyes. ‘’Sung.. I know you are not okay and I know that we need to talk.’’ 

He swallowed. He absolutely hated it when one of his members managed to crack his mask. The mask that precisely covered all of the burdens he did not want to let out. 

‘’Minho..’’ He started, before swallowing hard again. His heart ached. He hate having to live in this web full of lies, a web that he himself had created.

‘’Sung please don’t do this to me. Please don’t push me away again.’’ Minho’s eyes looked so sad, and Jisung was pretty sure that the guilt he felt was eating him alive at this point.

‘’I am so sorry.’’ He said, pulling Minho closer to him, hugging his body tightly. He couldn’t bear to look into those sad, disappointed eyes again.

Minho sighed. ‘’I know you are.’’ His hands were drawing slow circles on his lower back.

‘’We will be okay right?’’ Minho asked.

Jisung nodded. Hugging him a little closer. The _you will be, but I am not and I won’t_ left unspoken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life will be okay again.


	5. It's broken heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boiling hot, red coloured water and the dull pain were enough to glue the pieces of his heart back together again, even if it was only temporary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: mentions of self harm.
> 
> This chapter absolutely sucks but I just needed to distract myself from my own thoughts. Hope all of you are well.

Something about the following day was off. They had, had another comeback stage for side effects, their last one before promotions were over. All went well, he had danced his parts without messing up and he had also managed to rap most of his lines without forgetting any of the lyrics. His members had absolutely nailed the performance, as usual. All was great and he had absolutely no reason to feel like shit, yet he did.

Somehow he just felt like he didn’t do well. As if he hadn’t been able to show his true best. He just felt like he was disappointing stay by just being on the stage, because he just didn’t deserve to be on a stage surrounded by people who were so much better than he was. Jisung honestly just hated himself so much. He hated the way his voice sounded, he hated the way his body looked whilst dancing, far from being smooth like Minho’s or Hyunjin’s. He hated the facial expressions he made when a camera was focused on his face. Yeah he guess he just hated himself, absolutely everything about himself.

Chan probably noticed that he was feeling down, because he hugged him tightly right after they got off stage. ‘’You did a great job Sungie.’’ He whispered, before moving on the the other members. If only he knew that Jisung didn’t want to do a great job, he wanted to do perfect. But perfect did not exist in his pathetic life.

He went back to his safe space, his bed, right after they got back to the dorms. Smashed the door shut right in front of Minho’s face, right before he could notice the disappointed look in the eyes of his significant other. If anything, he was used to it. Han Jisung was used to disappointing people. Disappointment was all he knew, and all he got and gave.

He grabbed his earphones from his nightstand and put on the most depressing playlist he could find. He just wanted to cry. But why couldn’t he fucking cry? It was as if he had no tears left to cry. Crying seemed hopeless, and staring in front of him without being able to cry felt even worse. God he was such a fuckup.

Two soft knocks on the door got him back to his senses. He couldn’t remember how long it had been since he went to lay down under his blankets. ‘’Sung, are you in there?’’ Jeongin’s voice came from the other side of the door.

Don’t tell him, one part of his mind said. Tell him, the other said, he will be able to distract you and we all know that you have a soft spot for the maknae. Jisung sighed, he wished that his thoughts just could shut up for once.

‘’Yeah I am in bed.’’ He answered quietly, part of him hoping that Jeongin would not be able to understand him. 

A few seconds passed before the door to their dorm was opened. Jeongin’s blonde locks appeared. He looked extremely tired, and a little bit confused.

‘’Is It okay for me to sit on your bed?’’ He asked. His eyes were staring at him with great concern. Jisung felt himself get smaller every second that passed. He nodded slowly, convincing himself that the smile Jeongin gave him afterwards was worth it, even though he knew deep down that, that was not the case.

‘’Everyone’s worried about you Sung..’’ And there is was. The sentence he had dreaded for so long. He could not forgive himself for making the other members worry about him. It was once of his greatest fears, one of the things he would never allow himself. HE did not want to be the reason for his members concern. Yet here Jeongin sat, giving him proof that he was.

Pokerface, action. ‘’What are you talking about IN? There’s absolutely nothing to worry about. I am fine!’’ He breathed out, flashing one of his big grins. Jeongin was not convinced. He was softly tugging at the sleeves of his hoodie, clearly feeling anxious. Jisung just hoped that he wasn’t the reason for his uneasiness.

‘’Why do you always push everyone around you away? We tried so hard to understand, but we just don’t understand it Jisung. We are a family right? We are all here for you, please allow us in your life. Not just Han’s life, but Jisung’ s life as well. 

Jisung let out a bitter laugh. He was a living disappointment. He couldn’t even conceal his struggles,, couldn’t even hide the void parts of himself.

Jeongin’s eyes were burning holes through him, yet he refused to look up and meet his eyes.  
‘’I hear you cry often at night Sungie. I know that you are awake most of the times, even when you think that I am not. I notice you flushing the toilet more often than necessary. I know that you are destroying yourself, and I also know that you think I don’t know, but I do.’’ A sad laugh before he continued. ‘’What I just really don’t understand, is why you don’t tell us? Are you that ashamed of yourself, of your own struggles, to the point where you feel like you can’t open up to us?’’

It was as if Jeongin was tugging at every single string of his heart, until nothing was left besides broken pieces. It hurt. It hurt so damn much. But Jisung liked pain. He liked when things hurt. Hurting himself was the only thing left that felt good, that made him feel alive.

‘’Minho just doesn’t understand what he is doing wrong. He keeps blaming himself.’’

That was the final tug that woke him up. He finally dared to look up. Right into Jeongin’s tear filled eyes. At a face that had matured way too quickly. Was robbed from a childhood.

‘’I am fine Jeongin, my anxiety is keeping me up at night and is also making me go to the toilet more often. I am working on it though, so there is absolutely no reason to worry. I love you all so much, but there is nothing to talk about. Everything is fine, I am fine, I promise.’’ He smiled, hoping that his smile would be enough to convince him. Part of him disgusted with the compulsive liar, the manipulative devil he had become.

Jeongin sighed. ‘’Just remember that you are not a lost cause Sung. We are always here.’’ He said, before getting up. ‘’I will leave you alone,’’ hesitation ‘’again.’’

Jisung lowered his head again. Too ashamed to watch their youngest member walk away again. The sound of his footsteps echoing inside his head. The fact that he had worried their youngest member, had confronted him with the darkness inside his head, darkness that he would not wish upon their maknae ever, absolutely tore him apart. _Look at what you have done_ the voice in his head screamed. _All you do is disappoint people. All you are good at is making other people sad. You are a pathetic piece of shit who does not deserve all the love it’s getting._ He knew that he deserved the heartbreak that followed right after.

His phone vibrated. A text from Minho appeared. ‘Jeongin is staying the night at Chan’s room. Are you okay? Do you want me to come over?’ It read.

Jisung could taste the bitterness of all his lies on his tongue. ‘Okay. Yeah I am, thank you. And no, I just want to be alone.’ He answered, then turned his phone off.

He opened the second drawer of his nightstand, took out his precious razor, before making his way over to the bathroom. The boiling hot, red coloured water and the dull pain were enough to glue the pieces of his heart back together again, even if it was only temporary.


	6. Help me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jisung just wanted to live again. But he was not sure if he even remembered what living used to feel like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man I am so sorry for this fic. It sucks so much but I just need somewhere to rant. I didn't even proof read this, I just typed and posted so :'))

Jisung was trying so hard. He was trying so hard to get his life back on track. He was trying so hard to feel alive again, to assemble himself back together. But it was so hard to feel whole again, when the self-hatred was burning and itching under his skin, demons dominating the unconsciousness in his head. It was so hard to feel whole again, when he felt like he was suffocating in the intoxicating aura that lingered around his body. 

He knew that he was in trouble. He knew that sooner or later the addiction was going to get to him. He knew that defeating the loneliness with food would result in an adverse effect. He knew that the cigarettes could only take away so much of the worries in his brain. He fucking knew that the burning red sensation would not be able to turn his world into colour again. He knew that searching for the high wouldn’t make him feel alive again. Even if his addictions did make him feel a little bit less lonely for just a moment. 

He felt dull. It was as If life had taken absolutely everything away from him. And the dullness was the thing that scared him the most. Pain was alright, it burned and it awoke him, reminded him of the fact that he was still alive. The dullness just put him in a state of gray nothing. As if the time stopped and he was just simply breathing, simply existing.

Jisung just wanted to live again. But he forgotten what living even used to feel like.

 

Mornings were the absolute worst, his deepest nightmare. He hated having to get out of bed, hated having to pull down his mask again. How was he supposed to face the world, when he couldn’t even face himself?  
How was he supposed to appear in front of other people, when only the thought of his own reflection made him want to be buried alive. Self-hatred turns living into the biggest, unbearable burden and Jisung was tired of it.

Waking up was so tiring when being asleep was the only thing left that could turn off the demons inside his head . He liked how the quiet of the night washed away all of his worries, all of his sorrows. 

The moonlight reflected prettily against the smoke of his 3rd cigarette. Chan would kill him if he found out that he was smoking, hours before they had to be on stage. Jisung knew that he was supposed to care, but truthfully, he had stopped caring long ago. At this point he just wanted to forget about life for just a damn second.

The risk of getting caught thrilled him. It was as if he was playing his own, custom game of cat and mouse. As if he was just waiting to be found, to be ripped apart. November had just begun. The nights were taken over by a calming, cold breeze. They were in the process of wrapping up the comeback preparations, their new album set to be released in just a couple of weeks. It was 3 am on a Wednesday night, he was supposed to be asleep, yet here he was, sitting at the windowsill in his room, in just a hoodie and some shorts. It was as if the cold made him feel alive again.

His dissociation had gotten a lot worse recently. Couldn’t even remember how he had ended up here. How the past few weeks filled with recordings and practices had gone by. It was as he was dreaming all the time, realizing over and over again that yet another day had passed by.  
Some days he would be sitting in the shower, surrounded by streaks of his own blood, hot, dripping liquid all over his skins. He couldn’t even remember how he had gotten there in the first place, couldn’t even remember running a blade over his pale skin.

Other days he would find himself sitting in front of the Han river, late at night, holding a lit cigarette in between his freezing fingers. He assumed that it would only take so long before he would get caught, before he would appear on the news, all his dirty little secrets and his destructive addictions exposed.

He knew that this couldn’t be alright, could not be healthy. But as long as he was managing, as long as he put up the act of ‘Happy Han, member of Stray Kids’, he would be alright. All would be right.

He took another few inhales, enjoying the way in which the smoke filled up his lungs, before he pressed out the cigarette against the exposed skin on his thigh. Another bad habit, another unhealthy coping mechanism. These days, self harm was all he knew, his own way of living.

He let out a sad laugh. He was so fucked up. He truly wondered how anyone could even bear to look at him. He had turned into a horrible monster and he didn’t know how he was supposed to escape.

 

‘’Are you okay?’’ Was the first thing Chan asked when he showed up in the kitchen the next morning. It was way too early, having slept only a couple hours. Not like he wasn’t used to it, though.

He nodded, flashing Chan one of his signature smiles. ‘’Of course I am, why wouldn’t I be?’’  
He could feel Chan scanning his body and it was burning right through his skin.

Chan looked sad and Jisung felt guilty. ‘’I don’t know anymore Sung. Not to be rude but you look so dead lately. It’s like there’s barely anything left of the Han Jisung I, we, used to know and I am worried.’’ Jisung’s insides were screaming. _Please help me. Please notice my struggles. Please notice that im drowning. Please save me from this self-hatred that is burning holes through my skin. Please save me from the darkness. Please hyung… I don’t want to hurt anymore, I don’t want to be alone anymore…_

He let out a laugh. ‘’Don’t be silly hyung. There’s nothing to worry about, everything is going fine.’’ He said, before he turned to grab himself a piece of toast. Regretting it the minute he decided, knowing damn well that the bread would be impossible to purge. 

Chan was silent for a moment, before he felt the other boy getting closer to him. It wasn’t long before he felt his two arms pulling him closer, hugging him tightly against his chest.

‘’You know that we are always here for you right?’’ A pause. ‘’We are all here for you. If you ever need a talk, or a laugh, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us okay.’’ Another pause. ‘’And please give Minho some attention today, he’s been begging me to get you to talk to him for the past few days and I can’t keep up with his whining anymore.’’ He giggled.

Jisung was trying his best not to think about how Chan’s arms where touching all the fat stretched out on his body. ‘’Tss, that brat, as if I don’t give him enough attention when it’s just the two of us already.’’ He joked, before he pulled Chan’s arms away from him.

‘’I’m going to wash up. At what time do I have to be at the studio again?’’

‘’In 20 minutes. I will meet you there.’’ Chan said. Jisung nodded, before making his way towards his room again. Every step away from him fired yet another bullet right through Chan’s heart. Everyone knew that Jisung was not fine and it hurt them, yet nothing could get him to open up. Chan just hoped that Jisung wouldn’t do anything stupid.

Five minutes later and Jisung was kneeling down on the cold bathroom tiles, toilet bowl right in front of him. He was supposed to record in just a few minutes, and perform in a few hours and this was so so so stupid. He was so so stupid, but ignoring the desperate screams inside his mind, telling him to get the calories out, was too hard. His body was begging him to stick his fingers down his throat. Desperate for the high that would follow. The lingering taste of bile on his tongue was enough to remind him not to eat again for the rest of the day. He was okay. As long as he held onto his own, safe rules, then he really was okay.


End file.
